Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Of course, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It'll be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely outside of area. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")

As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have An additional spot in which American Adult men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: give everyone a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is tender electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he really should halt working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower Trump Tower Damascus as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."

Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head noticeable from House, a feature being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorised.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It is not simply ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Characteristics

Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium exactly where visitors may contemplate vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"

The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Endlessly."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

18% mentioned "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"

Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"

The undertaking is currently attracting consideration from Global traders, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage can even involve:

A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War

Comment Part Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to hold out to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a resort the place my PTSD might have transform-down provider."

Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports propose:

China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Final Views through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."